Lactose Intolerance

On the evening of Saturday, January 12, 2013 (the date will live in infamy, at least in the blackest part of my soul), while I was clearing the dinner table and Bill was reviewing the pictures he’d taken that day while hiking with the three kids (so I could work – seriously, how do I nominate him for a Hubby-of-the-Year-Award??), the youngest child (read: the smallest gremlin in the house) got mad (read: really really really really mad) at his older sister for not sharing her toys with him. So (naturally), he picked up her unfinished glass of milk and… threw the milk at her.

Yes. Really. He did. He THREW the milk at her…

(Go ahead and visualize the rich, creamy, white stream of delicious, wholesome, organic 2% milk arcing ever so gracefully through the air and…)

SPLASHING her right in the face. Totally drenching her… And the table… And the floor… And Bill… And, oh yeah, drenching the CAMERA, too.

Oh, my, YES, you read that correctly: drenching the CAMERA (on which Bill was reviewing the pictures he’d taken while hiking that day). The BRAND NEW CAMERA.

Yes, the brand new camera, all of 19 days old, that was my birthday present (I’m a December baby) from Bill… and my Christmas present from Bill… and Bill’s Christmas present from me… all rolled into one tidy, and expensive (at least for us) package (which I quite happily wrapped, and then unwrapped three hours later, on Christmas Eve).

Our big Christmas (and my birthday) present: a new DSLR camera! We give each other GREAT gifts... Just sayin'.

RIP, Nikon D5100, we hardly knew you… (12/24/12-01/12/13)

Turns out, in case you were wondering, cameras don’t really care for milk.

My brand new camera hadn’t even survived ONE MONTH in our household.

And that’s when I cried. Really. I did. I CRIED over spilled milk (though not when the kids were looking; that’d set a bad example – I quite responsibly waited until I was alone in my bathroom later that night… to cry big big big tears).

I actually started this post the day after the milk incident. And yes, it’s taken me more than six weeks to write, mostly because every time I even think about my not-working-brand-new camera my stomach gets all tight and I just want to (and I’m sorry to say it, but there’s no delicate way to put this) throw up.

To be perfectly fair, there is a slim (and I mean miniscule) possibility that the milk wasn’t the culprit – the camera battery didn’t seem to love the cold weather up on the mountain during Bill’s hike, and drained within a few short hours. And I’d had a bit of trouble getting the LCD monitor to work when the camera was in manual mode (though this could be because I’m a complete amateur, and just don’t know which button or menu item to turn on or off).

But the likelihood that the spilled milk did the damage – and that, therefore, the toddler killed my camera and we, as his adult representatives, would be responsible for paying (through the nose) for said damages (or even having to buy a new camera altogether) – is pretty dang high. (And the 2yo is just LUCKY he’s TWO, and that he’s CUTE… and that he ran away as fast as his little legs could take him, once he threw that milk… AND that he’s pretty fast…)

Looks can be deceiving...

Don’t let his look of innocence fool you; this kid is a cold-blooded camera killer who laughs diabolically whenever I bring up anger management classes.

The thought of the repair bill, or worse being told the camera was beyond repair… ugh! It took me more than a month to finally send the camera to the Nikon repair shop (really! I just couldn’t bear to even look at the poor thing let alone break it down and pack it up!), in hopes that my brand-new (did I already mention that??) camera could be, you know, FIXED.

Two weeks ago I checked my email as usual and – ooh boy, I actually got flustered and jittery – there were two (not one but TWO) emails from Nikon. With the estimates. For repair. One for the camera body and one for the camera lens. Oh, Holy Crappola. This wasn’t going to be good…

I didn’t open those emails then… No, I didn’t. Instead, I took a lunch break. And a dark chocolate break. And then I folded some laundry. After that I briefly contemplated dusting, but then rolled my eyes – like I was going to dust!! I think I actually snorted at myself in derision – so I reluctantly returned to my computer and opened the email…

To learn that the bill would be a whopping $0.

I know, right??!!

I’m not kidding, it took me 15 minutes to start breathing again, and then another 15 minutes of looking through the fine print for any reference of an unidentifiable sticky white substance shorting the wiring, or a note explaining that anyone with children under the age of 10 automatically voided any and all warranties, to finally believe that I wasn’t going to have to pillage my children’s college savings in order to cover the repairs or buy a new camera (an especially problematic solution given that the children’s college savings is currently nonexistent).

Of course, I still didn’t have my camera… I did, however, anxiously track the progress online daily – my stomach in knots every time, in fear that the $0 charge line would abruptly change to $699.99 or that the (fairly serious sounding) note stating the repair was a Category B2 “Moderate Repair: Major Parts Replaced” job would suddenly read “Category Impossible: Toss This Baby Out” – and tried to remind myself that repairs take time.

And then last night, at about 8:30 in the p.m., the doorbell RANG, prompting the dogs to start yipping and barking and running around and sliding on the floors like a swarm of killer bees was chasing them, and making me want to punch in the throat whoever was trying to sign me up for more magazine subscriptions at this time of night, while at the same time sending up a silent prayer to my toddler – the lightest sleeper in the entire universe – to NOT WAKE UP because I desperately wanted at least one glass of wine before having to put him back to bed for the eighty-ninth time. I felt bad for such violent and mean-spirited thoughts, however, when one of our neighbors (being, you know, neighborly) handed my husband a package that had been delivered to his house by mistake.

I opened the box… and found MY CAMERA!! (Oops… I mean, OUR CAMERA!! Sorry, honey!) And then I giggled. I did! I LAUGHED!! And it felt good, too. I did a little happy dance and put all the pieces back together. I had my camera back, I had my camera back!! I turned it on and… and…and nothing. What the heck?! Bill walked by and nonchalantly asked if I’d recharged the battery. Ugh! Does he HAVE to be so irritatingly smart sometimes?! I’m so taking back that Husband-of-the-Year nomination… So I plugged in the battery…

And now that I see it’s fully recharged, I think I will finally power up my big bad camera… and CELEBRATE!

And I do believe the occasion calls for something just a wee bit stronger than milk

Now, where’s that Nestlé Quik??

8 thoughts on “Lactose Intolerance

  1. Wow! You are lucky! I like the ending. You might remember my Nikon D5100 met it’s demise the year we all spent Christmas at the Rainier cabin. The strap broke, and my camera smashed on the concrete at the Visitor Center, breaking the lens AND the camera body. I cried for days. It was the FIRST time I have ever spent money on myself. It was one of the few material items that I really love. I still work myself into a panic when thinking about that moment.

    • Yeah, I got lucky: my husband wanted a nice camera as much as I did. And yes, no more camera at the table! Unless there’s a birthday cake involved… in which case maybe I’ll invest in a zoom lens and shoot photos from the next room over… 😉

  2. We’ve (and by “we” I mean my husband) broken quite a few cameras. Hubs finally purchased me a swanky little number for my birthday, which I’ve frankly been too intimidated to use very often for fear that one of our little angels will kill it. Also, evidently since my vision has gotten worse I’ve lost the ability to take good pictures. I used to take good pictures. I swear I did. But now all of my pictures are TERRible. Really really bad.
    Anyway, I’m glad that you got your very cool camera back. And that you didn’t have to start a college fund just so you could drain it to pay to get the very cool camera back.

    • The worst bit: it worked for about one week, enough time for me to write this post and order two new fancy-pants lenses (I’m hoping these will help me take good pictures in spite of my own ineptitude), and then the same problem started up again and it STOPPED WORKING. It’s been back “in the shop” (according to the Nikon website) for a couple of weeks now… I’m thinking you can probably see my pathetically sad face through the computer screen… 😦

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